Can You Keep A Secret?

Good, because I can't.  I went up to Utah last weekend to visit a good friend of mine, but there was another reason behind my visit.  So I had what I like to refer to as a "mommy tuck" last year, (there, I said it) and for the past 8 or nine months, I had this little growth thingy around my scar I also liked to refer to as my "nubbin."  At first I thought it was a hernia, which I had heard can happen after having stomach surgeries.  I went to my family doctor to get it checked out and he said it definitely wasn't a hernia, but maybe a stitch gone bad from my "mommy tuck."  By the way, that's what Angelina Jolie is calling her "supposed" tummy tuck after the twinners (because the tabloids are always right, aren't they?!)  I thought "mommy tuck" sounded cuter.  Anyhoo, I kept putting off calling my doctor in Utah because I knew I'd have to find a babysitter, fly up there, etc., etc. so I held off for a few more months until it finally decided to break open and a friendly little green stitch was poking out to say "hello."  TIME TO CALL THE DOCTOR.  Long story short, it didn't end up being the tiny little stitch that we all thought, but more like a flippin' THREE inch stitch.  Don't ask me how that happened, even my doctor was pretty shocked.

Now, why on this glorious earth am I writing about all this?  I don't know, to be honest with you.  My friends all think I'm a little sick and twisted i.e., THE kidney stone post.  Maybe I'm just trying to get people (mainly my husband) to feel sorry for me.  You see, I'm a pretty open book, no skeletons here.  (Aubri and Angi, you keep your mouths shut.)  And it's like Joan Rivers says, "Our bodies are like cars.  Every once in a while, we need a little tuning up." Amen sista'!  I mean, we all get braces for our crooked teeth, don't we?!  Well, mine pretty much needed an overhaul! 

Happy Birthday Cindy Lou Who!

Just wanted to send my sweet Aubs some Super Happy Birthday wishes today. She says she's feeling old. A whopping 35 years old today. And doesn't she look it? I mean, look at those sagging eyelids and smokers' lips. Don't you feel SO bad for her? She looks more like she's 15!

Now typically, I have a funny story for each of my friends, but my favorite Aubri story involves Craig, a wad of bubble gum, disposable razors, and a can of tuna. Um... yeah, I think I'll skip that story.

Love you so much. Wish I could be there to give you your birthday spankings. The Depends and Ben-Gay are in the mail. Happy birthday Old Lady!

xoxoxoxoxoxo's

That's It? That's All She Wrote?!

**NOTE**

Do NOT Read The Following Post If You Haven't Read "Breaking Dawn" Yet (so as not to ruffle any feathers)

Ok, so I know everyone read "Breaking Dawn" months ago, I just barely finished.  I had put off reading it because I figured, if it was going to be anything like the previous 3, it was going to take over my whole existence, sooooo..... I thought I would take it slow, read a few chapters at a time, make a bed or two, read a few more chapters, make some dinner, a few more chapters, you get the point.  Well, I'm just going to say it.  Mom, I know you hate this word, but this book S-U-C-K-E-D!  Come on Stephanie, for rizzle?!  I swear this chick had a brain fart from middle to end.  Don't get me wrong, fellow vampire/werewolf lovers out there.  I adored the last 3 books, but man alive, what a disappointment.  

And I might be the only one to put myself out there and say this, but I'm just a sayin' what everyone's a thinkin'.  Give us some more freakin' details about you-know-what!  We're all just a bunch of silly housewives that want a few more juicy details!  Now I know why my grandma was so into those romance novels.  Bring it on Fabio!  I'm going to my local Wal-Mart to pick one up STAT!  (joking)  No, really, I get why she can't put that stuff in her books.  All I can say is, I'm so glad Tommy thinks these books are ridiculous because if he ever read what vampire couples do ALL NIGHT LONG I'd be in some major doo-doo.  (Sorry Nicole, isn't Brian already on book #3?  You're gonna be in trouble soon.)

And don't even get me started on the whole Jacob/Renesmee story.  What a flippin' joke.  I knew he and Bella were never going to end up together (although I was on Team Jacob the whole way), but for Heaven's sake!  p.s.  what the crap kind of name is Renesmee, anyway?  Gag.

And then there's the Volturri.  We all know my brain is too small to understand all that jibberish!

Now, I certainly don't want to make any fellow bloggers mad, but am I the only one that feels this way??  I read blog after blog after blog about how wonderful this book was, and how there were so many twists and turns and well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but all I can say is BORING.  

Sorry Steph.  I couldn't even finish the book.  I gave up early.  I'm not usually such a playa' hata'.  I know you'll make it up to me someday.

Have You Voted Yet??

I'll make this short and sweet, just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out and vote.  Swayze and I went down in our jammies this morning, trying to avoid the long lines, but it was surprisingly very short.  I can't stress enough, the importance of voting this election.  I must say, I felt very invigorated after voting, (I felt like I just stepped out of my Bishop's office.  Oh, get over it - You get my point!)  To any of my ladies in the hizzo, if you need a sitter, drop them off at my house!  I'll be the designated babysitter today.  

Ok, I Lied...

Here's one more.  No, this isn't my little girl, but I did a major double-take when I saw little Callista last night.  A few posts ago, I wrote about why I've never liked dressing up for Halloweiner (Kim :).  Remember the story of my frenemy, Lauren dressed up as Wonder Woman?  Well, I had a little deja vu when I saw my friend's daughter last night.  This is what I SHOULD'VE been dressed up as, instead of an aluminum space martian.  I couldn't help but be a little jealous of you, Callista!  I just had to get a picture for a keepsake!

These Are The Last Of The Halloween Pics, I SWEAR!!

Well, after waking up at 9:45 with a "candy hangover," I think we are officially "Halloweinered" (that's for Kim) out!  We had a lot of fun this year, and thank goodness, my kids still let me boss them into wearing whatever I tell them to wear. :)  Here is the costume low-down:

We (I mean I) decided to do a Michael Phelps costume at the last minute.  This was by far thee most expensive costume yet!  I actually had this kid talked into wearing a "smaller" Speedo, but wasn't quite sure how everyone at the neighborhood carnival would react, so we got the longer version.  Tag was diggin' the shorts.  He said, "These actually make my butt look smaller.  When I'm naked, my butt is so big!" (I've got to simmer down on the "diet talk" around the house.)

I thought the teeth added a nice touch.  I know it's a "jaw issue" our man of gold has, but this was all I could come up with.

My little 50's car hop.  Did someone order a vanilla Coke?

A little parade action.

Keagan and her little buddies at the neighborhood carnival.

And last but certainly not least, my little Swayzegans as a little bee.  I was shocked that she actually got into this costume.  Usually she'll wear them for 2 seconds and will have nothing to do with her costumes.  (I'm sure it helped that I bribed her with some root beer.)

P.S.  Happy Birthday Ben!  We really miss you.

I Was REALLY Trying To Hold On To This One, BUT.....

Ta Dah!  No, it's not Tommy we're looking at, look a little bit further to the left and you will see none other than "Mr. Tennis" himself, John McEnroe!  We had an 80's Halloween party (halloweiner if Kim's reading this.  I always try to sneak that word in whenever I can.  It freaks her out) about 8 years ago. (I know, I know, my Tommy looks like he's all but 10 years old in this picture.  He was 24 AND smokin' hot in those acid washed jeans, might I add.)

Well, you see, the reason why I'm posting this picture is because we all know Brother Burkinshaw loves little "shout-outs" every once in a while, and I just could NOT resist.  Before the party, we all went over to Goodwill to find our outfits, and Tommy came across a pair of rainbow underwear.  I mean, seriously guys, come on, who in their right freaking mind would buy used underwear??  Well, that's where our John McEnroe comes in.  We didn't know it, but Ryan actually BOUGHT and WORE them (stuffed, yes, you'll have to enlarge the picture and squint really tight to get a good look) under those short green shorts of his to the party!!

I'm guessing it won't take but about 30 minutes after making this post public, that I'll be getting a phone call or some crazy anonymous comment from our Ryan.  Should I call him and give him a head's up?  Nah!  (He's my #1 blog fan, checks it ALL the time).  I'm so busted, but we all know he is secretly loving it!  So Ryan, I really wanted to save this one for your birthday, but I just couldn't resist.

See Tommy, you're not the only one I pick on!

Case In Point...

So, speaking of bribery i.e., Swayze's shiny new purple metallic shoes, I decided to write about how I fully endorse this concept.  Let me just say, it has gotten me many things in life:

• My first tutu.  I think this one was for not sucking my thumb.  Although it was short-lived, (the thumb-sucking that is.)  My mom used to put this liquid stuff on my thumb called "STOP" or something to that affect.  I got used to the taste and started actually asking her to put it on.  Now, looking back, I bet I just asked her for it to make her mad. :)
• My first pair of roller skates.  Again, probably for the thumb-sucking, or to get me to stop wetting my pants.  And yes, I was probably about 6 by the time I officially quit.  And darn proud of it, too, thank you very much.
• Sticker book loaded with stickers.  This one was to get me to stop biting my fingernails.  My dad once told me that he was dating some gorgeous chick and when he finally got a good look at her hands, they were practically bitten down to the bone (so he broke up with her, supposedly).  He told me boys aren't as attracted to girls that bite their nails.  Well, I scored Tommy, didn't I?!
• My first pair of "bike shorts" with hot pink stripes down the side.  Not the bike shorts we're used to seeing on bikes, but you know, 90's MC Hammer style.  I got them for memorizing the 13th Article of Faith.  Yeah, I was lookin' a little "Too Legit To Quit."
• My mom used to let me watch "Beverly Hills, 90210" IF I read my Seminary Scripture assignment each week.
• My dad promised me the "car of my dreams" if I could get straight A's my senior year of high school.  Let's just say that one DID NOT happen.  Not even remotely close. 

So you see, bribery can be a beautiful thing.  If all it's going to take is a pair of shoes to get Swayze weaned (no Kim, I didn't say weiner) from the bottle, I'm down with it. 

Poor Thing...

So we're going on day 4.  She came to me crying this morning and simply said, "Mom, I just need a ba-ba."  I feel like the meanest mom, ever.  So I bought her a pair of shoes today, thinking they might cheer her up.  (somehow, it always works for me.)  Worked like a charm. :)

"Hi, I'm Swayze, And I'm a Milkaholic."

(Everyone, in unison...) "Hi Swayze!"  Yada - yada - yada.  As of yesterday, my little Swayze has been forced into ba-ba rehab.  She's currently detoxing as we speak.  Poor Swazzle-Nazzle.  She's probably thinking her little world is coming to an end.   

When she was at the sitter's house today, every time she walked past someone's bottle on the counter, she'd tell the sitter, "Mommy says no more ba-ba."  We're down to just one for naptime and bedtime.  (that's pretty good, if you ask me.)  So send lots of love her way this week.  And mine too.  For my sanity.