This Is What Happens...

When you mix a little one o' clock church + no nap + a cold bottle of milk.  The kids are all in agreement that we need to buy Swayze her own cow.  That way, she can just go out to the backyard, and squeeze a little cow teet and have her very own, self-serve ba-ba. (yeah, yeah.  I haven't taken it away yet.  Remember the whole "Mama bear and her cub" thing?)

Happy Birthday "Windy Doodle!"

Just wanted to give a little "Woop! Woop!" to my mom today.  She's one heckuva lady.  She and I have had our "moments," but I love her so much and don't feel like I've told her enough how great of a mother she's been to me.  I have a hard time writing sappy junk, as you've all seen in the past (well, all of my) posts.  I get my smart-a@#%ness from her.  And I think I like that quality, to be quite honest with you.

Let me just share a few tidbits about this chick:

• she can shoot a gun like it's no one's business.  I think we had a gun in every bedroom growing up on the ranch.  She even had one under the seat of our car.  I can't tell you how many times the car came to a screeching halt when she saw a fat, juicy squirrel and blow it's head off.
• she taught our parrot, Kermit to say, "I'm a Mormon, I'm a Mormon."  The guy that bought him from us (not LDS) wasn't too pleased.
• she absolutely rocked the wife-beater/no bra thing back in the day.  My mom had a killer body, still does.  (all my guy friends in high school had the biggest crush on her)
• she's always made the yummiest meals.  EVER.  She even paid her accountant by making steak dinners for him each year.
• she's the best nurse in the whole wide world.  I'm telling you, when you're on your death-bed, you want this chica around, fo sho!  Just don't expect her to clean up any throw-up.  She'll turn around and run the other way.  (I wonder wear I get it from?)
• she's intimidating as all get out.  I personally think it's a good thing.  You don't want to screw with her.  She's one tough mutha' and knows how to give a good "Chinese Torture."  DONT. MESS. WITH. HER. (and just as a heads-up, don't ever mention immunizing issues, EVER)

One of my favorite "Mom" stories goes a little somethin' like this:

So we're on our way home from school one day, and we had full-time cowboys living  in a trailer next to our house.  We came to be good friends with one in particular, Richard Selander.  Richard had just bought a really nice dirt bike, motorcycle thing, and as we're pulling up to the house, we saw that he had just washed it.  So my mom makes us all get out and get all the horse poop and mud we could possibly find and throw it onto the bike.  We were practically massaging that baby with mud!  She always loves to get a rise out of people.

Happy birthday Mom, your present's gonna be a little late as well, so I figured I'd better butter you up a little before it comes.  Thanks for being the best wife, mother, daughter and friend.  Love you.

Ok, enough sap.  Birthday week is officially over.  Tommy says it's been nice because I haven't ripped on him in my posts the past few days.  Ooooohh, you just wait, my little Tommicita!

This Month Is Such A Special One...

Today is my sister, Kim's birthday too.  I could tell you her age, but she might get a little miffed.  Oh well!  She's a whopping 3 -6!  Ha! Ha! Kim, that's what you get for not having your own blog.  It makes it kind of fun for me because I have some pretty good "Kimmie" stories (and pictures) up my sleeve!  Can I say, "Cabbage Patch Ceremony?!"  Just kidding, I wouldn't do that to you.  You better thank your lucky stars that video is on VHS, Missy!

I could list all the reasons why she's the bestest, most wonderful big sis in the world, but that would take waaay too long to post.  But I want you to know (even if you end up reading this next week because you think you're too busy to read my blog daily, you're forgivin) I love you so much.  More than you know.  You've been the best example of a big sister,  (even when you pushed me into the glass jars downstairs in the laundry room and I got blamed for it, AND got spanked AND cried even harder for you because I just KNEW you were gonna get spanked harder because it really was your fault, but you didn't get spanked harder because Dad's hand was too cold!  Yeah, right.)  I'm sure your version of the story is different, Kim, but remember - this is my blog and I can tell the story the way I remember it.

Your present is going to be a little late this year - what's new?  And it won't be generic or anything.  We've got to think of something better than Target gift cards next year!  Hey, it's better than Eric's Caesar Salad kit!

Love you Kimbo!!

Happy Birthday Doody Bug!

My baby is 10 today.  Double digits!  (Well, not until 3:45 pm to be exact.)  I felt like I was a baby myself when I had him.  I really have the best little boy a mom could ask for.  He is the most kind, tender-hearted kid ever.  I was jacking around with him the other day and told him, "Dude, we don't have enough money this year for presents, is that gonna be ok?"  His answer?!  "That's ok Mom." For 'rizzle?  What kid says that?  I would have had had some serious panties in a wad if my mom told me that.  But that's just how he is.  I don't know where he gets it.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from my little tootles:  

• "I see you have a sword - I have one too!"  (age 2)
• "Hey, you gave me loaded dice!"  (age 3)
• "Hey, you splashed me!"  (age 3, when he went poop for the first time)
• "Me Me no like that!"  (age 3, when we would swing him around and make him dizzy)
• "Bow to me!"  (age 3, he was really into Mulan and swords back then)
• "I'm too many crinkley."  (age 4, and I can't even tell you what he meant, I think he was tired)

This little guy of ours also keeps me very humble.  Any time I'm out shopping with him, if I even attempt to buy something cool for myself, he says, "Mom, are you sure you should be buying that?  Dad might get mad."  Uh huh.  That's when I tell him it's gonna be our little secret.  I can usually get him to keep it on the "down low" with a Webkinz.  Hee! Hee!

I know we need to chill out with all our nicknames for him, but Doody, Tootles-McNoodles, Doodyton, Skid (yes, you read that right, he would rather be called Skid (as in skidmark) than be called Doody) Taggles, I love you so so sooooooooooo much.  Happy Birthday Dude!

More Halloween Pictures Past

I love this one.  I can laugh about it now.  We had just moved back to Utah and our ward was having a Halloween party.  And because I hate dressing up, I didn't want to go, but Tommy suckered me into going, so we were trying to find costumes at the last minute.  We couldn't come up with anything, so I decided to just be a cat (I'm thinking maybe the "pleather" pants weren't such a great idea.  Not a great way to introduce yourself in a new ward.)  So Tommy gets this bright idea that he's gonna be Don King.  (Again, maybe not such a great idea, either.)  We got quite the stares, and a few days later I was telling my mom what we had dressed up as, and all she said was, "Hmmmm...... I'm pretty sure it's against church policy to cross-race at a church party."  Oops.

Keagan, '06

Buddy the Elf, '07

Nacho Libre, '06

Keagan, '07

Swayze, '07

And People Ask Why I Don't Like To Dress Up...

Well, here is my #1 all-time reason why I don't like dressing up for Halloween.  I must have been about 5 or 6 here, and money was scarce, so my mom "hand-made" these costumes for us.  Now, my mom can whip just about anything imaginable up, but I swear, something went drastically wrong this particular year!  I think Kim and I were matching aliens or something.  (You can tell by the look on my face, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to be.  I was thinking something more along the lines of Wonder Woman.)

So we get to the school carnival, and 'lo and behold, there's my best friend, Lauren dressed up as Wonder Woman, go figure.  She even had the shiny red boots and lasso AND the gold cuffs to boot!  Man, was I one heckuva pissy little alien!

Now, let me remind everyone that Kim and I were wearing tin foil, and we can all imagine how quickly it tears.  Soooo, needless to say it started falling off, and all we had on underneath was a turleneck and tights and panties.  

I think it was safe to say we didn't win the "Best Costume Award" that year.

Drum Roll Please!

And the winner of the best comment on "I Came THIS Close!" goes to.......

My sister, Kim.  Lucky girl!  She gets an all-expense (on her dime) weekend with my Keagan!!  No really, I couldn't do that to her.  She has 5 kids and 1 husband that acts like one, too.  (Eric, you know I love you sometimes!)

This was her bestest advice:

"Here's an idea...why don't you let her spank YOU and tell her that you need to be punished for your failings as a mother?  That seemed to work well for Mom!  Hee! Hee!  I'll never forget that day when Mom handed you the wooden spoon and you got that crazy-happy look in your eyes and tore into her bum!  She told me that idea didn't work out quite like she had planned."

Ok, so here's the story.  It's an oldy but a goody.   It usually just so happened that when one of us sister's got in trouble, the other ones were involved, and I can't even remember what we had done to make my mom fly off the handle, but she decided to do a little "reverse-psychology" on us.  She told us how she was such an awful mom, and that it must be her fault why we were always so naughty.  Now, when we got spanked, it was quite the routine.  My parents would make us line up kneeling against the couch and we would all get the same amount of spankings.  I swear, I think I always got an extra few.  And did I mention the notoriously famous "wooden spoon?!?!"  That damn spoon, yes that's right, I said damn.  I HATED that thing!!  It was sort of oval shaped and had little slits in it.  I think my parents started using it because it started hurting their hands too much.  They tried a few different spoons, one was more paddly and wide and didn't hurt as bad, and I should've just kept my fat mouth shut and cried anyway, but they figured out that it wasn't doing the trick, so they moved on to the (damn) oval slitted one!

Anyhoo, back to my story.  So my mom tells us that WE should spank HER for our punishment, and of course my sisters were the being the biggest weenies EVER and were crying gigantor crocodile tears and said, "We cccaannnn'tt ddoo iitt!"  They barely even tapped her.  So it was FINALLY my turn, and boy almighty, I took full advantage of the situation.  I spanked her butt SOOOOO hard (and maybe a few too many times), but I knew this was gonna be my one and only chance, so I repeat, FULL ADVANTAGE.  I think she learned her lesson.  Turned out her bright idea came back and bit her in the butt.  (I mean spanked her in the butt.)  

Now I can't say I would try the same thing with Keags, because she has some of my demon child attributes as well, and I think we can all guess what she'd do!

Thanks for the great advice everyone!  We can all breathe a big sigh of relief.  I haven't listed her on Ebay - yet.  (It probably doesn't help that Tommy changed the Ebay password, so my shopping privileges have been revoked, go figure.)

I Came THIS Close!!

So, I've been having issues with my Keagan since the moment she turned 2.  She's such a sassy little thing, and lately, it seems as though she can't make a good choice if her life depended on it.  She is such an amazingly smart child, she hasn't given her school teacher any guff (except for the time she called a little girl at school, fat).  So why does she always give me so much crap?

I've tried many forms of punishment with her, but nothing seems to work.  The other day, she did something naughty and before I could say anything, she turned to me and said, "You can ground me, Mom, it's ok."  She also likes to give me different ideas of what to take away when I ground her.  Go figure.  I've tried washing her mouth out with soap, spanking (I probably shouldn't admit that one), etc. etc. and the list goes on and on and on.  Nothing I do seems to faze her.  I've had friends tell me, "Take something away that's important to her."  I've tried that one too.  It doesn't work either.  She always accepts her punishments well and is never defiant.

So yesterday, I had this bright idea that I would tell her she could go and live with someone else if she doesn't like the show I'm running.  She thought that sounded like a fun idea.  Tommy's little brother, Zach is FINALLY moving out on his own into one of Tommy's apartments in the ghetto downtown, so I thought maybe it would be a fun treat to go live with Uncle Snack.  Thinking she would HATE that idea, she didn't think it sounded so bad.  I personally couldn't think of anything worse!

When Tag caught wind of my little scheming, he said, "Mom, isn't that illegal?  She's just a kid!" 

"Yep, that's right," I said.  "It's illegal, alright.  But so is disobeying your mom."  He was seriously distraught about the whole thing.  So early this morning, I told Keagan  that when she got home from school this afternoon, we'd pack up a little suitcase and head over to the Paradise Palms.

Well, Tommy said he would, in no way, have ANYTHING to do with this little scheme of mine.  Of course, make me look like the bad guy!

Now, I know what you're all thinking.  I'm the worst mother EVER!  I just want to set the record straight, that I would never, never, never actually go through with this plan, let alone, make her move in with Uncle Snacky.  Now that, in and of itself is child abuse alone!   I am at my wit's end.  You think I'm kidding about selling her on Ebay?

Well, we had a good little chat after school and hopefully it's all worked out.  Hopefully.

Any advice for me???

P.S.  Whoever comes up with the best answer gets an all-expense paid weekend at THEIR home with Keags.

"Liquid Attitude"

A few weeks ago, some friends of ours invited us on an "adults only" trip to Lake Powell. (sounds a little racy, doesn't it?)  Can I just say, that was, hands down, one of the best Powell trips we've been on!  The Costco runs were done, the meals were prepared, the HD plasma screen all dialed, and all Tommy and I had to do was show up with our 400 bucks and sign up twice for clean-up duty after meals!  How slick is that?!   Makes me want to sell our houseboat share and pray we get invited on someone else's boat each year!  Thanks again, Jason and Tanya!

Everyone racing down to the bottom of the sand hill.  The only casualty was Tommy's glasses.  he lost one of the lenses.

Cliff jumping

Here's a cute little rattlesnake the boys found.  It must have fallen in the water and was slithering its way back up the cliff.  We made bets the next morning (yes, it happened to be on a Sunday that the bets were placed.  I know, the shame!)  Well, it just so happens Randy and I won, we bet that the snake would still be there, and Christine Kempton came through on her her end of the bargain and hand delivered my mango Golden Spoon 2 nights later!!

Here I am redeeming myself from our last trip and climbing my fat butt up this stupid sand hill.  I like to refer to myself as "skinny-fat."  I'm so lazy and out of shape.  The last time we were here, I couldn't even make it to the top of the hill and my super-supportive hubby kept yelling, "Even a dude with ONE leg can get to the top!  He's even got a kid on his shoulders!!  (Yes, Steve Osborn is a total stud that can out-run, out-surf, out-climb anyone!)  And to top it off, there was this little white-trash kid going up the next to me, mind you it was his 3rd time up the hill, he kept telling me he was gonna kick my butt.  It was definately a "wooden spoon" moment!

I'm Not Gonna "Sugar-Coat" This One...

All I'm gonna say about our little road-trip is 10 kids, one PACKED 15 passenger van, one crowded hotel room, and 3 tired and cranky mommas.  People have been asking why it's taken me 2 weeks to post about it.  It pretty much licked.  Did I mention we came home a day early?!  

No, it really wasn't all that bad.  We had a blast a LegoLand, and the kids had a great time at the beach.  I can't really say I'd be game for that again, and I've come to the conclusion that there is a reason there is a mom AND a dad.  Enough about that.